Because I have this obsession with expressing myself, at times a kind of burdensome character flaw, I talk a lot about all kinds of stuff. In fact, the main reason I’ve made this blog is so that I can have a place designated for me to just talk and talk and talk. This decision was made in a probably-too-late effort to ensure that I don’t become “that guy”. You know, the one who won’t stop filling up your Facebook feed with his self-important bullshit.
Over the past couple years, meditation has come up a lot in my little ramblings, ’cause I’ve somehow ended up practicing it and finding the whole process really neat. I hope it’s understood, though, that I’m not trying to spout off some kind of belief system or convince anyone of anything. Firstly, whatever you believe is none of my business. I don’t care, really, so long as it doesn’t lead you to hurt me or something. I’m just expressing my (maybe deluded, but I don’t think so) insights for the sake of whoever might find them useful or at least mildly entertaining. Secondly, I believe all kinds of stuff, but the meditation crap isn’t really a “belief”, in the same way that one could say that they believe in the divinity of Christ, or they believe in reincarnation or something. I have experienced a deep and calming kind of silence. I cultivate that experience daily. It’s not even a big deal, really. It’s not magic or anything. It’s always right there and we humans tend to anxiously shout over it. And then when someone tries to point it out to us, we think they’re talking about something special. So we try and have them explain it to us in a way we’ll understand, and then they tell us to just shut the fuck up and look for ourselves. And then some of us take that next step, and some of us keep demanding explanations ’til we die.
I guess it could be said that there came a time where I had to take a leap of faith and “believe” in my own capacity to employ the technique of meditation and experience this silence. But that’s not the same thing as saying that I believe in that silence. In this instance, belief leaves a little too much room for doubt, I think. I wish I could doubt this silence. I spent a lot of time doubting. I doubted pretty much everything a person could doubt. Authority, Truth, institutions of all kinds. The sincerity of my friends and family. My own self. You name it, I doubted it. I developed an identity around doubting. “The doubter”. He was very earnest. His sincerity was honorable, but also dangerous. Very sexy stuff, to be sure. In my head, anyway. In reality, I think, it looked a bit more like a highly agitated and painfully confused young man.
But this silence.. It’s unshakable. I think it could be said that it is more real than anything else one could encounter. And this silence isn’t a psychological state, either. It’s a lot bigger than that. God is a pretty good word for it. But not the kind of God that you can really pin-down in a crappy, little-read blog entry, like this one. It’s a gender-less, formless, non-conceptual, all-pervading silence.
Don’t take my word for it, though! For the love of God, don’t [Pun not initially intended, but then once noticed, totally intended]! There are techniques out there that can help you get in touch with it for yourself. Be curious. Try things that are weird. Be disappointed by the techniques that are bullshit. But not so much so that you throw out the whole practice of seeking as absolute hogwash. What do you know, anyway? You’ve lived definitely less than 100 years (if you’re reading this, probably less than 30). That’s way less than the blink of an eye of the Universe. There’s so much more mystery and magnitude to uncover about our lives than we sometimes tend to convince ourselves of. I will say that I advise against drugs in this process, though, ’cause I’ve found them to be a waste of time. Though, they are a heck of a lot of fun! Except for when they’re awful, of course. But that’s not very cool to say. So pretend I didn’t say it!
If you think this is all bullshit, than that’s pretty much fine with me. But I wish you could see that just because you don’t care enough to seek out God that that doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist or something…
But, what do I know? I certainly don’t have any credentials to hold up and show off how smart I am or anything like that. Just this weird little practice I keep coming back to. Day after day. Oh and my life. While it’s not at all perfect, it isn’t as miserable as it used to be. So there’s that. I like that part.